Oh, did I say in the title I was doing the housework?
No, here I sit drinking tea, staring at my laptop screen.
At least I am at the keyboard now, as before I was alternately staring into space and scrolling through social media. I am not on my a-game today. My depression (Oh did I mention…..?) has decided to rear it’s ugly head even harder today, and I am trying to fight that particular monster at the moment. I decided instead of getting caught up in my head, I would write. I would somehow document what I am feeling right now.
Maybe someone out there will understand.
A few weeks ago I had to take the steps to seek help from my doctor. I’m no stranger to depression. I was diagnosed as a teenager. I have been down this road way too many times for my liking. As the medication and I have never got along in the past, I usually try to use health and fitness to survive, but I have always known when I need to seek help. I’ve been very sick this year (which has contributed to my depression) and dealing with so much that I bottomed out. When thoughts of my not wanting to exist showed up, I finally waved that white flag and said “Help me” before I continued down the dark spiral. This is probably the worst I have been in about 15 years. Together my doctor and I came up with a plan.
After a couple of weeks of what felt like crawling on my hands and knees through the side effects of my new medication, I can honestly say some of the demons are at bay. I no longer want to cry ‘all’ the time. I’m no longer completely paranoid about eating. (Long story- it stems from those health issues I’ve been battling, we will save that for another time) I find there are days when I can get up and go better then I had been.
Do I feel like a robot? Yes.
Are my moods still swinging? Yes
Am I cured? Not even close.
Am I able to function somewhat? Better then before.
So here I sit.
Yesterday was a good day. I was productive, I spent time with my husband and kids, I was happy. Today, I don’t know what I dreamed about, but I woke and I was just not myself. My kids were battling me on their clothing choices today. My patience was exhausted. I have company coming this weekend that I need to prepare for and I want to….
But here I sit.
I just want to crawl back into my bed, throw the covers over my head and sleep.
The thought of sweeping and mopping the floors is enough to make me shake and feel anxious. When I’m myself, this task usually means I throw on some tunes and dance and sing. I make it fun. I just don’t have it in me today….and every time I go to do it, I shake, I panic and I need to sit down.
The thought of having to bake banana bread makes me want to cry, and not because I hate baking, I love baking, this is normally a task I enjoy- but not today. I want to cry because I want to bake, but for whatever messed up reason my brain and body are not cooperating. Even writing this, and understanding this, I just want my bed. It’s not laziness. It’s not ridiculous. This is depression.
One minute I want to cry, the next rage, the next give up.
I’m not myself today.
So here I sit.
I let you into my head.
I drink my tea.
I fight myself internally.
I put these ridiculous thoughts onto my paper and share them for the world to see.
My tea is almost done now.
Putting this on paper has helped.
I’m sure publishing this will embarrass me.
I’m not going to care.
I’m going to try not to care.
Because somewhere out there, maybe there is one person who knows exactly what I am going through.
You aren’t alone.
I am going to fight and I want you to fight.
My banana bread WILL get made, my floors will get mopped, even if I have to shake, throw up and take several breaks to get there.
I have a family that counts on me.
I am bigger then my depression.
I WILL win this battle again.