Holiday Confessions…..

‘Tis the midst of the Holiday season and my little family has been making it’s way around the province visiting friends and relatives.

We’ve made it through breakfasts, dinners, lunches and everything in between. I’m quite certain when I arrive home in a few days my scale will break as I step on it and my pants will need let out. There has been a lot of food and let’s face it, my Chinese take-out and leftover Trifle breakfasts weren’t exactly the healthiest. (Don’t judge, you know you have been up to similar gluttonous indulgences)

This only happens once a year, right?

For me it is hard to believe I have actually been eating, after being so paranoid about food for months. It shows that my anti-depressants have been working. My fear of food has abated.

Unfortunately it seems for every small victory there is another bloody demon that likes to pop up.

I’m typically very social by nature. I love getting together with my friends, going out experiencing lunches, drinks, dancing-whatever. I love visiting with those I care about. I’m usually the wild one, the unpredictable fun-loving-chatterbox goofball…..

However this Holiday has been much different. It is the first time in a very long time that I have had to rely on my doctor prescribed anti-anxiety medication to calm me down enough to visit my own friends and family.

My own friends.

I love my friends. I shouldn’t have panic attacks at the thought of going to lunch with them. I shouldn’t have to take a tiny pill to stop the panic attacks. I shouldn’t get the shakes the more we sit and chat. I shouldn’t have to go take a three hour nap after these visits because I am mentally spent.

I just want to crawl under the covers and hide until I feel better.

I’m not going to though.

(Okay, Confession: I tried that this afternoon, it just made me worse)

As stressful as it feels trying to visit them, seeing my friends, even for a brief period of time does bring this sense of Renewal of spirit. It’s a small glimmer of hope and that glimmer shows me that things will eventually be alright.

I know that I am not myself right now and I accept it.

I will keep rolling with the punches and try to look ahead.

This dark lonely pit I have found myself in will not continue to trap me for long.

Not if I keep forcing myself outside my current comfort zone.

In 2017 I am going to break free.

This depression and anxiety will be obliterated.

I know my friends will help contribute to getting me through.

Whether it’s with a kind word to lift my spirits……

Or wearing a special shirt of my favorite Hollywood icon (gifted to me by the bestie)…….that comforts me.

Rockin’ special earrings sent to me from another great friend, to empower me.

Knowing I have a support system of people who will lend me their ears or compare notes and just talk……

These are the people who have known me at my best and at my worst and still love me anyway (Or at the very least mildly like me)

So yeah.

If I have to take a few pills gifted to me by the doctor to help my anxiety so I can be with these people and not hide inside my head (or under the covers)

I’ll do it.

Even if it doesn’t always work, I will at least give it my best effort.

They mean that much to me.

It’s only a few more days before we head home and I will be back in my own house. Hopefully some of the stress I have been feeling will disappear when I walk through the front door so I can take a deep breath and just look ahead to next year when I WILL feel better and be myself again. I know the time will come when I will be able to visit with everyone again and be fully mentally present and back to my old self.

This anxiety and depression is temporary.

My friendships are forever.