What a perfect daily prompt to pop up the day after I posted yet another entry about my battle with depression.
This is my topic.
I can mope.
Oh I can mope with the best of them.
If moping was an Olympic sport- I could take the gold.
It’s common in my house for me to be told to ‘quit moping’ when I am depressed. They see me staring off into space. They see me wasting the day laying on the couch or staring at the wall. I find that people who don’t know what it is like to be caught up in your head on a daily basis, don’t understand what it is like to be constantly bombarded with these negative thoughts. Some of those thoughts pinging around your brain at the speed of light and you are trying to battle them off. If they aren’t enough to drive you bat shit crazy, then it’s the ones that are taking their sweet time, blooming in your mind like a poisonous weed. The two types of thoughts can be simultaneous, exhausting and overwhelming.
Hence why we mope.
Let me let you in on a little secret.
‘Sometimes’ when I appear to be moping to you…..
I am daydreaming.
I am internally fighting those cranky ass demons by trying to meditate and switch my brain onto another train of thought.
Sometimes this works.
Sometimes this doesn’t.
I use my daydreaming for good.
I love to write.
I am creating stories in my head.
These stories eventually make their way into notebooks, which eventually are born as a novel on my laptop.
That’s right…When I appear to be moping and lollygagging about, sometimes I am creating.
I am taking the fact my body doesn’t want to cooperate as a chance to expand my imagination. I try to channel the fact my mind wont shut off and my emotions into stories.
I’m a fighter that way.
I’m creative that way.
I am trying to turn a negative into a positive.
It’s one of my coping mechanisms.
Is my process perfect?
No. Sometimes I am genuinely moping and trying not to scream and cry, but for the most part I am also fighting the battle to keep my thoughts productive and creative.
It’s not always easy.
Some days I am completely defeated, while others I am not.
ONE DAY (and hopefully soon) I will introduce you to some of my stories and the depths of my imagination.
Select few have read the products of my ‘apparent’ moping and I’ve heard they are quite good.
So if you see me laying on a couch, sighing deeply, with my arm flung over my eyes and my feet sitting on the back rest. Maybe I am not wallowing….maybe…just maybe….I am somewhere interesting.
Somewhere you would be interested in being too.
My name is Irene and I attempt to turn sad situations into better ones….because I am worth it.
(If you or anyone you know is also fighting with depression, please feel free to read through some of the other entries posted on my blog and follow along. I share because I want you to know you aren’t alone)