I am coming to you live- fresh on a workout high.
I just hit the elliptical for what seems like the first time in months and man do I feel good. After a night of virtually no sleep and a morning of trying to shake off the sleepy fog out of my brain, I decided that instead of wallowing in the fact my schedule was thrown off today, that I would just try to continue on the best I could. I pulled my running shoes on and decided that while cardio was the furthest thing from what I felt like I wanted- that it was the one thing that I needed most.
(Okay, so maybe once I come down off this high, I may end up doing a dramatic faceplant into the pillow to catch some much needed Zzz’s, but that’s besides the point)
I have been struggling so much with my health, including my depression in the past year or so, working out seems to come in stages. I start back up, I struggle, I lose focus, I stop and just feel bad about it, like all hope is lost and I will never return to my former self.
My last huge attempt at jumping back on the workout train was in the Spring-Summer 2016 when I started my routines up again, focusing on Beachbody’s PiYo program (which I LOVE) and using my favorite machine (my trusty Elliptical) but in August I was struck down for the second time last year with a chronic health issue that required emergency surgery and lots of healing (on top of sending me into a Mental Health tailspin)
I stopped my workouts. I had no choice, I had to heal.
Physical scars heal, emotional ones take time.
I have tried time and again, I get started only to just either end up sick or lose motivation.
It is one of the worst feeling in the world when you know you can do something and you love something BUT you just can’t make yourself (and your brain) cooperate. (Depression is a cruel bitch)
I’m not at all perfect, nor do I have any of this figured out, but what I do know is that when I do take the time to workout, even if it is just for fifteen minutes, I feel like I have accomplished something. My brain does feel clearer and I don’t feel as much self loathing.
I am not happy that I lost sight of myself in 2016, but damn it 2017 I am going to try hard this year to get back on track.
I just have to remind myself that every fifteen minutes counts, whether it’s pounded out on the elliptical, a yoga session before bed, Pilates in the morning or even just pulling out some dance videos and taking a dance break every now and then.
Today when I grabbed my running shoes, while physically I was doing no more then tying up my laces –in my head it was like I had screamed like some possessed person and ran headfirst into this wall that was stopping me, tearing it down brick by brick. It was hard, it felt difficult, but I did it anyway. Think about it: While I physically may not have appeared to be doing anything more then some regular, mundane thing, mentally I was losing my shit, bleeding and fierce-waging a war with a wall. (<—-For those who do not understand the big deal….THIS…This is what our battle with our Mental Health struggles is like when we finally feel we accomplish something!)
I hope that I can repeat today’s process again tomorrow and the day after that….etc… I am heading on vacation this weekend (Cuba here I come!) and I had given up on trying to get in shape for it. Why bother? I only had a month to prepare and I just didn’t have it in me. I have enough going on in my head, I didn’t want to add to it. I decided to take it as it was. I bought some cute pin-up inspired swimsuits for my curvy figure. I decided I wasn’t going to crash diet or count calories or force myself into working out constantly trying to do that last minute ‘must lose weight for the beach prep’. After my post re: The Goddess and the Not- Gingerbread House (a fun, yet true Fairy Tale I wrote about my sugar addiction-please take time to read if you have a minute) I decided that I would take that pressure off of me for once and just make a healthy game plan for when I returned. I wanted my vacation to be about rest and recharging my batteries before I really got serious about revamping my diet and fitness regime. My doctor has even taken me off my antidepressants and I’m detoxing right now- before starting up a new one when I return. (My previous ones were causing too many unpleasant side effects)
When I return from my vacation, things are going to be different. I had already made that decision. Today, I just said ‘Why wait?’ but I still refuse to pressure myself. Whatever will be will be… (at least until I return…..)
This post isn’t just about me. This post is also about you-the reader-especially if you find yourself in a similar situation: Whether it is trying to keep your fit resolution goals, or just trying to knock down some mental roadblock and demon that is stopping you from accomplishing something.
Take it from someone who struggles with these things on a daily basis and has no shame in sharing her real thoughts on these matters.
You DO have the power in you.
Fight the Good Fight!
No matter WHAT demon you are battling or roadblock you have hit:
ALWAYS Dust Yourself Off and Try Again!
**I have written quite a few blogs on mental illness, anxiety and depression so please take the time to read through them-whether you relate or not-we need to get the message out there that these are not things to be ashamed of and we must do what we can to erase all stigma’s surrounding Mental Illness- and I am trying to do that, one blog at a time!**