via Daily Prompt: Ruminate

When you read one of the first posts on my blog: It Begins With This Message you will discover that I am a chronic over thinker.

Those who know me, know that I will even extend this onto my social media, I will rant about a topic- seemingly lecture (okay I say ‘seemingly’ when I am really lecturing) but I am also opening up discussions with others on topics such as racism, religion, tolerance, sexuality, news stories that have riled me up…..  I love to discuss, debate, read, think and just continuously expand my knowledge on a topic. I am not looking for an argument (well- not all the time)  I truly just like to see what people say! I love when an angle pops up that I haven’t thought of yet.

(You can read one of my blog rants here: You’re A Mean One Mister Grinch )

Now some people may find this increasingly annoying (so then just don’t participate and keep scrolling…) but how are we as a society ever going to find paths and ways to work together if we do not have the ability to deeply contemplate issues from all angles? Whether I agree with your view or not, I would rather be able to see all sides of the story and try to understand a conflicting point of view then live rather ignorantly.

(Though they do say ignorance is bliss….. )

When I was in high school, I had to write a paper for my English Media class. I don’t remember the topic, but I had to write a paper arguing for one side of an issue. I had to mull this topic over, research it, then write an article highlighting my thoughts on the matter- but only from one point of view.

This posed a problem for me. Every time I started to write the paper using the side of the argument I chose- I would start drifting over to the other side of the argument.

But… But….

While I absolutely loved everything about that class, it was very clear I did NOT have a career in journalism ahead of me. My thoughts are too all over the map. This assignment was not going to go over well. I went to my teacher to explain my dilemma and he said “That’s the point- you need to be able to write just one side. Choose which side you are on and write for it.”

Gah! My brain doesn’t work that way!

I finally figured out what to do.

(After I clearly developed anxiety from pondering the matter..)

I wrote the paper…. TWICE. 

That’s right.

When I handed my assignment in, I had handed in not one but two articles!

My teachers jaw hit the floor when I showed him. Even thought it was just a high school assignment, I clearly could not in good conscious choose a side. I wanted the entire topic as a whole. I wanted all information, I wanted to give all the information and all my thoughts. I wanted to write everything pinging around in my brain down and solve it on paper- but I couldn’t do it without both sides. I didn’t want to be biased, hell, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t be.

So I wrote two articles. One article that was for the issue and the other against. 

(The ying to it’s yang)

I felt better and I think while I proved I couldn’t be a journalist for mainstream media outlets, I certainly did receive a good grade on that assignment and in that class. I remember how my teacher told me he was impressed with my problem solving skills.

To deeply think sometimes does have it’s drawbacks. While it has helped me evolve and develop as a person throughout the years, it certainly is not helpful with my depression. It can lead me to over think, over analyze and develop anxiety over the smallest of issues. Most people see issues in black and white, sometimes shades of grey. I don’t just see black and white- I see all blasted colors of the rainbow and it can become quite overwhelming. I am a professional at getting lost in thought and turning a small thing into a huge thing.

I was discussing this recently with someone. Most people I know sometimes have a Plan A, Plan B and maybe a C.

Me? I can and will think about something so much that I will get to Plan J or K and still be trying to figure things out: which is the better path to take?

This can be exhausting from a Mental Health standpoint and it is something I am trying to work on.

Until then, I will just keep mulling it over until I come up with the solution.

Because that is what I do.

Post today inspired by the Daily Prompt Word: Ruminate