Giving Up ‘Hope’:
I have been struggling with some stuff recently- my mood has been a roller coaster of emotions for over a week and something in me finally snapped and I ‘gave up’- I finally let myself be free of ‘Hope’ when it comes to something in my life. I can no longer allow myself to hope for something that in reality doesn’t exist and has an incredibly slim chance of ever existing. I need to make peace with it now before the stress of that hope and the constant disappointment destroys me.
It wasn’t an easy decision to make- but after crying for days. I had to allow myself to give up that ‘Hope’ to feel better.
I know that I am being incredibly cryptic- but I am still trying to come to terms with something. If it wasn’t for the incredible support of friends and family this week, I probably would still be spiraling.
You see, I know that I am a strong person and that my stubborn nature knows no bounds- but I am tired of being strong. The last few years have completely exhausted me to the point where I just have no energy left. I don’t want to completely give up on life (and I feel like I have to say that because someone panicked thinking that is what I meant…) – but I need to shift focus to other parts of my life.
Letting go of my ‘Hope’ and deciding to just ‘Go with the flow….’ was an incredibly hard thing to do. I don’t like giving up- but I know when I have reached my limit.
I know when I need to change.
This past week has seen me cry, scream, get angry and mope- whether I am sitting in my car or behind closed doors so my kids won’t see or hear- Friends have let me vent to them- allowing me to say things about myself that don’t bare repeating. I needed to let it out before it ate me alive.
This past week has also seen me distract myself from ‘that’ and focus my energy into a creative writing project. I actually jumped up from my computer and did a happy dance when I completed the final edits on it. Today, I shrieked and gave my husband a high-five when I entered it into a National Writing Competition.
I don’t care if I place or win a prize and I truly mean that. For me just entering and being part of it represents how far I have come out of my shell with sharing my creative work with others.
(And I do have this blog and my readers to thank for a lot of that)
I actually checked ONE thing off my 2018 ‘To-Do’ List:
**Enter a Writing Competition**
…and it felt good to do something that makes me feel good.
So you see, I may have ‘given up hope’ in one area in my life- but I’m just ‘re-calculating’ my journey and my mind. That is the way life works…it’s extremely complicated and when something goes awry or ends, we can funnel that energy into other things. Don’t get me wrong- it takes a crap load of effort and a lot of distraction at first but I am slowly doing it.
It was good to let go of something and just leave it up to God…Fate…Whatever… (I have been struggling with my faith itself- but we will save that topic for another day)
I am sure I will still have my ups and downs with ‘that’ in the future- actually- I know I will- but for now… I give up and I am more than okay with that.
I guess the moral of the story is that some people may hurt and come across as negative. They may be having a bad day, a bad year- they can be depressed or just blue- but just because they announce and truly decide to ‘Give up Hope’ on something- It doesn’t mean that this is necessarily a ‘bad’ thing or that it means something terrible.
It may mean that peace may finally have been achieved and better things may come.
I ‘hope’ this blog makes some sort of sense- because honestly… I am a little overwhelmed right now.
In conclusion, I leave you with something that I wrote several months ago. I was going through my blog drafts looking for an older blog to edit and post and I found this. I don’t really remember much about what inspired me to write it- but this week has been tough for me and for so many other people around the world.
It feels ‘right’ to post it now.
I ‘hope’ it inspires.
The ones who never give up.
Who move forward even when they want to turn and run.
With great fierceness they confront a problem,
Knowing when to retreat,
When to rest,
And when to make the next move.
They come in all shapes and sizes.
From all walks of life.
The Mighty Ones know how to pick others up when someone has been kicked down,
Even if The Mighty have been kicked down too-
They can still trudge on- heading for that inevitable finish line.
Worn and Weary and even if they stumble,
Even if they cry.
The Mighty will not give up.
It’s not about Weapons, Knowledge or Muscle.
It is about Heart and Courage.
It is knowing that sometimes you want to stop trying,
And maybe you do take pause-
But in the end you get up, grit your teeth and forge ahead.
Maybe it is a different path you take…
Maybe you continue your journey…
Maybe you stop to tweak your plan…
It is in you!
Even if you don’t feel it.
It’s not measurable by any means,
But it IS one size fits all.
For we are all unique.
We all have incredibly stories to tell.
Go out and be Mighty.
I know you can!
Written by Irene ©TheyOnceCalledHerPumpkin